Chasing a dream

In my pursuit

Of something

I forgot to tell you

That I want to matter

That my pain

And my pleasure

Depend on your mood swings

And I am a prisoner

Of your whim

And fancy

Of your imagination

Or lack of one

And I feel like I have lost

All of me

In the sea of your disinterest

Floating just above

The waves

Of my doubt

Trying to get back

To another reality

Hopeful

Unable to resist
Unwilling to let go
Enthralled by the words
You breathe to me
Wary of distance
I grasp emptiness
In the darkness
Of the abyss
Stretching this vast crater
Between us
But you are closer
Than anyone
Ever
And I marvel
In the age of our souls
I am inebriated
On your attention
Your unwavering force
Breaking my sorrow
Chaining my self-doubt
To my loneliness
I have become addicted
To the relief
Of my mental struggle
Bestowed by your spirit
Your own unique drug
And I crave release
Deep in the wasteland
Of this barren existence
My humanity suffocating me
And the humanity of others
And the emotions of others
Choking and gasping
Until I reach
Across the chasm
And breathe you in
To save me ...

back room at work

trying to escape the AC at the office

He said ....

Half in and out
of laughter
and joking
I thought I heard
something
probably nothing
from the beautiful mind
and damaged soul
entity of art
I thought was
something
how I've longed
for this
not knowing
that knowing
would kill me
tear me to pieces
scattered across the void
I thought I heard
what I wanted to hear
never wanted to hear
confusing
I turn away from and to you
and in you
I find relief
from myself

              late for work...again

graduation day lil sis!

B & D

as my memory of you

fades

it comes to me 

that my mind

is forgetting you 

my strength 

my voice 

you are gone 

but 

these things remain 

in me 

around me 

i reach for you 

trying to hold on 

to the ghost 

of your presence 

waiting 

watching 

your withdrawal

trying to stop forgetting you 

my memories of you 

bittersweet 

nonsensical and romantic

understandable 

but only in crisis

leaving me...

7th april, 2016

back room, no internet

So awful...

Realizing that I hadn't actually written anything in a while, I decided to try for it today. I was supposed to be on lunch but got distracted watching the latest episode of Empire, only to have my tablet die on me 3 mins to the end of said episode. Don't worry... no spoilers forthcoming. :) My ranting would take up quite some space on the internet and what good would that do us all?

I'm trying to forget about it for now while I'm on a quick recharge (sucky usb cord...ugh!), and switched instead to looking up dark times by the weeknd as i actually havent heard that song since it was on my playlist on rdio.com (yet another rant held in check). Seriously between the weather and the new school decisions that I'm facing this week, its insanity that my ill temper is not showing. Or at least... I hope not.

untitled

i have that dead inside feeling
again
crawling deep
inside
inward
outward
trying to force
the words out
apppear normal
appear sane
to everyone else
to the world
dont believe
in normalcy
and sanity
anymore
states that we've lost
tomorrow
another lost notion
trying to survive




2016

Just started...

So I've decided to try blogging because....hmm. I'm pretty sure it was an important reason. It's Monday people. Longest day of the week for me, and I as I sit in this office reading paranormal romance, I've realized a few things.

Anyway, I remember writing a lot when i was younger. Like 11 or so. I loved it. Even back then I would come up with stuff that maybe a lil' kid should not be talking about. I actually look forward to digging up some old files and posting some of my earlier work. I even created a story but based it entirely on the dragon ball z universe. Yes, I was a weird kid. :)

It just so happens that years later, I started losing that love of writing. I mean I still read and stuff but not like I used to. I feel like my teenage angst has turned into my grown up angst because I never lost it; just the ability to express it.

I think I might just wanna prove to myself that I still got it. So, if i find any of my old stuff, I'll post with closest date and compare to anything new I might come up with in the future.

That's all for now!